You have to get used to losing your identity. Even the pathetic attempts to shore-up the slouching walls and leaky ceiling no longer carries with it the pseudo-progress of the past. Effort no longer feels like its own reward. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m just another rat running around. You certainly can’t argue with results, and this fight is getting old; why were we fighting, anyway? It seems so pre-programmed, and I’m tired of being a wind up toy.
Everyone has good advice. Even if it ain’t good, it’s free, and these days, what else can you ask for? I mean, maybe I’m just another dumb motherfucker too stupid to grab at the little birds thrown my way. The whole thing just crawls inside me and I don’t know where to turn. I got what I got, yeah, maybe there’s more to the story, maybe not, but either way it doesn’t seem to mean as much as it used too. I’ve been running down road slipping in and out of traffic with the occasional brilliant lie, and up to a few weeks ago was full of that fighting spirit. It felt great, and if it wasn’t exactly justified, so be it. Switching back to another part of my old self hasn’t helped, while ditching out simply isn’t an option.
Not for nothing, but I know these complaints are just remnant leftovers. Go along to get along has never been a strength of mine. Even when I know it would make things dramatically easier, it just feels wrong. Isn’t there some kind of equanimity between live and let live and do as I say? Should the answer be more complex than big sunglasses and ripped bandannas? Simple minds seek complexity, believing in some intrinsic difference between the two that doesn’t exist. If I’m addicted to anything, it’s daydreaming about chasing windmills. I get a hard on over simplicity, because everything seems hard. Well, you know how it goes, no crying in public over milk that’s about to be spilled. It would make you look prescient, and nobody is going to believe that. With me still?
All of this has to be imagined in some ethereal way. Thinking is such a second hand game that I have trouble assuming that some negligible difference in test results really means that most people can’t get down to the base issues at hand. Rather than the usual contrived excuses and bullshit lingo, I’ve always believed that once the eyes are open, the mind usually follows. It can take a long time, but the right teacher at the right point in time can do the trick. Like anything else worth having, I guess you have to need it.
A few sparks from back in the day are still as bright as ever. Their light is joined by a few new sparks, fusions from present explosions. I’m slow, so I spend a lot of time just watching. It’s easy to admire the reflection of the sparks on the water. The whole mise en scene is gorgeous; light, movement, heat. All the elements of beauty. I’m a sucker for anything beautiful, and nothing so much as this whole presentation. From every angle a stunning portrait in the power of existence. Right now, it is a much needed reminder that singular moments of beauty require lengthy periods of dull and listless monotony. The ass end of dualism strikes again. So says the reputedly humble servant of the master of ceremonies. Laughter is my only reply. Tired laughter still requires a smile. Like they say, you can always find some cliched reason for hope.
I can’t see the smoke from my cigarette against the sky. Coincidence? Of course. The whole scene might even be described as elegant if it were being caught on film. Using memory for a sense of posterity seems like cheating, although I can’t imagine why. You can’t trust the poets anymore, if you ever could. Fair is fair, but swapping spit wasn’t really the goal. I just wanted to know if you still got it. Fuck me, it’s just a farcical fantasy, never even a discussion really. Why not just say fuck it and let one go? Here we go again, guessing on rationale, tortured looks and all that. More funny than embarrassing; more ecclesiastical than dogmatic. Same as ever. Write it on my tombstone.
Amidst the general silence of the moment, the central problems remain unsolved. Some remain unconsidered. Solutions are in short supply, though things change rapidly in that arena. The easiest thing to do is step back and get some perspective on the whole situation. Seems like the smart thing to do. You can only go from crisis to crisis for so long before you forget any other way to react. I don’t mind everything in shambles, assuming everything broken can be fixed and everything else will just have to grow back. I’m just stuck in a era of unanswered questions. Something always comes along. Such cross eyed logic runs un circles. Still, to be formulaic is distasteful; there’s nothing worse than a dilettante.
Stepping back from the day to day is a trip in itself. Words fail to describe the ragged image that comes to mind. The whole scene screams confusion, the kind of confusion that blankets every decision. I’m hesitant to let anybody know anything other than the obvious. Where can a fool hide out for a while? Right now I kick my feet up between an old song and a picture of a palm tree leaning over blue water. I’m good; this is old hat for me, the luxury of a certain familiarity. I know the scene like the back of my hand. Nothing get’s done. The seductive allure is really just another form of waiting in line. It’s all wrong in the same way as ignoring a brick wall. All’s well until the crash.
Over and over, everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Waiting and waiting for criticism and comment and trying to breach the walls of the bubble. This isn’t over. I keep repeating it to myself. “There’s mp such thing as an unsolvable problem.” I don’t know if it’s true, but right now I am settling for reassuring. First we crawl, then we walk. After that, we go as far and as fast as a busted spine will go. The plan is so simple. The guy in the mirror laughs. He says “There’s that word again. Simple. So simple I am sure that this time, you’ll learn your lesson and stop running into brick walls.” More laughter. Giggles, guffaws, har-dee-fucking-har-hars. Every kind of laugh, the whole gamut.
For a minute, it all seems so easy; it all seems so simple.
