Ellensburg to Springfield by way of Blacksburg

I told a lie about my day. When they asked me how it was, I told them how much fun it had been. Can”t explain myself to anybody these days. Makes me want to laugh and scream at the same time; go farther, go faster, go harder, bend at the waits, more more more, that kind of thing. It matters, but only to a point. So, your going to tell me off and let me really have it. Maybe even use the occasional four letter word. Maybe really stick it to me and penetrate my cavalier attitude with a display of piercing acumen. You know what I’m saying, really cut me open and get the blood flowing back to my brain so I can make a simple idea into something far more complex. With your fuel in my rockets I’ve got what I need to turn those lasers on that asshole in the mirror, really excoriate him in every conceivable way. And since it is counterproductive, when its over, we can chop each other up into little bits so’s to confirm we’re really made of all the same stuff. The imagery is magisterial, like looking down into the valley from a perch way up in the high mountains. You’ve got my eye in your socket. You’ve got my tongue in your mouth. I can feel your hand hanging from my wrist. Both heads are smiling, and we’ll put each other back together as we see fit. Whatever parts are leftover at the end, we’ll use for some kind of neo-classical wall art. You can win with me on the team.

Always the mountains. And what do you see from way up there anyway? If you call foul no matter what I do, after a while I just got to accept that it is what it is, and let you walk on by. Never mind that we both know you’ll be OK, there’s even a chance for me to be OK, but maybe this (gestures around wildly) ain’t it. If I could break through all the busted promises and missed birthdays, you’d get inside me ad talk like the Joker. You’d say “Nice place. A lotta space.”

Of course I would laugh and laugh, enjoying your reference as well as the way you smile when you mean it. What’s left of me melts on the spot, but it ain’t a hanging offense. You sweep me up in your smooth hands and paint me on the wall with a smile frozen in the dried paint. For years you pass me on the wall, admire my painted face, and watch everyone else wonder why you stare so hard at the boy in the backwards baseball hat. Even I can see the mural that I’ve become, and I only smile when you walk past and smile back. That’s the secret my darling dear. Even when some other guy has his hand where my hand is supposed to be, it ain’t anything but a chronological error of the highest kind. I don’t bleed for just anyone. Lately I’m a poet, and luckily, for once, I’m good at my job. With something so simple, how could anyone have guessed at the complexity just underneath my boring eyes and shy smile. Even with all that on one side of the ledger it is balanced nicely by the fact that our covalent bonds are every bit as strong as you need them to be.

I can’t help but laugh as all of this spills out in digital ink. In some ways I’m a baby when it comes to makin’ a decision. Without some kind of balance, it will all just fall apart; I’ve done too much reassemblage to let it all implode now. So maybe your words to me did cut a little deeper than usual, and hurt a little more than I’d expected. Even though I’m mostly a little kid, there’s just enough grown up deep in there that deal with the pain in its own wondrous and kinetic sort of way. I’m not up to eyes, so it’s towels for the leaks and hoping on the future that they’ll stop leaking in such embarrassing circumstances. After all we’ve been through, you still see me from so far away. Come closer. Stop worrying and come speak of the wonderful connections you have in your mind. Consider the goodness that we’re cutting off to spite my face, or my soul, or whatever else you’d wish to spite. If the balance ain’t in my favor, I’ll understand, but I don’t think this is it; late at night and all alone, desperate to make you see that it drives me crazy to care this much yet still be unable to tell you what you need to hear. Maybe someday soon. A man has to have hope, or he’s got nothing, even when he’s really got nothing. There’s just not much else left to say or write.

If none of any of what I said makes it any easier, than I want you to go find whatever you need to find that will make you happy. Nobody ever deserves to be happy, but you, my friend have earned it, and that can’t be taken away. Like you told me once, a long time ago. You just have to find it yourself.

And, I can wait. And listen. Things are very very bad over here right now, but that won’t last forever. Sooner or later they’ll get good, one way or another. I am gonna keep looking, because I think I’ll be able to see you from there. It’s almost 2, and will soon be three, but all that matters to me is a little bit of true happiness and liberation from my sins. Not a lot to ask for, is it? No matter the answer the questions keep coming. My mind changes and morphs. You’re pretty and smart and so much more . I’m smart and some days pretty too. Are you sure we can’t just say six of one, and be done with the whole argument? If you don’t like black sheep I have a few other colors I’m sure would fit just as well. If you don’t like endings, we’ll just work on beginnings instead for as long as it takes.

Desperation. Brass tacks, dimes down, shit or get off the pot desperation. Harsh acids building up in the stomach,and my hair don’t look so good in this harsh light. The nerves baby, the nerves. The fear is just the place they call home. Ripped or torn or ionized or disintegrated or whatever you want to see. I can’t help hoping you see that I ain’t got nothing to sell to you, just a long walk from where we are to where we could be. The hour is late, and I should be still. I need to think.

Dedicated to the one & only.
(i think this is going to hurt a lot more)

she hung up.

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