things i try not to think about…

Pictures & Names

she changed her name.
made sense; marriage tends to lead
women to give up
old names as if they’re suddenly
plague-ridden embodiments
of someone they once might have been.
it might be a choice to express solidarity,
just easier or just
how these things are done;
whatever the rationale,
she changed her name.

way back when, I would swear
she’d hung the moon. it
might fall short of
describing how I felt,
being so young and stupid,
I’d naturally assumed
it was the real deal, even
though looking back I
know that ain’t even
a dogshit-approximation of truth.

when the present
fell into the past,
we’re living in the future.
by now it shouldn’t matter;
hurt long buried,
having gone on to become
sadness then nothing.

the shock of seeing her new name
wasn’t about knowing she was gone.
i’d known she was gone
as the first drop of
blood hit the floor without me
there to catch it. there wasn’t
much of a compelling excuse;
I just fucked it up.

turned out we’d lost a lot
more than her blood. there’s no
forgiveness for that kind of
fuckup, nor should there be.
even if that wasn’t true, it wouldn’t
change a damn thing. only
our mutual apathy keeps us bound;
i don’t want her and
she don’t want me.

admittedly, seeing the name change
brought out something masquerading
as regret, even if it was likely
hidden relief. now was as over
as these things got.
in her world, I was an
anachronism better off
thousands of miles away.

fair is fair, whether
she still screams
or bites her lip to stifle a cry
when she comes, truth is
i’m better off not knowing,
not getting drenched.
as if it mattered;
that option has been gone
longer than she has.

is this what Silverstein meant
when he wrote
“oh, the places you’ll go?”
it takes a long time to
realize freedom is better
than getting laid without working
for it, despite
what some might say.

now she’s gone, a doppelganger
with a new last name.
seems to be normal, from
what I’ve been told. i wish
i could say it doesn’t matter,
(mostly it doesn’t; five
years is far too long to kick that can.)
now when people ask me if
I ever think about getting
married, my reply is
more comprehensible.
I almost got married once,
now she’s changed her name.

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