the butterfly bitch part 7…

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we coulda kept fighting; guess
gettin’ far ’nuff apart makes
everythin’ distantly weightless.

miscarriage & rift & so much
learned still not understood; i
can’t get down the difference
between being saved & cursed.
both of us rebuilt an existence
assembled from leftover keepsakes.

i smiled when you married;
you were gonna be his problem,
forever & ever amen, until
everything turned around;
i got lost asking why butterflies
would flap wings if not to fly;
i’m scared Sun Pie was bein’ honest
when he told Dylan all the good
in the world had already been done.

doesn’t seem like a choice
to keep getting up early.
maybe i can get up early enough
& it’ll be yesterday;
everything will still make sense,
everything will still be to come.

better it can’t happen. impossible to
know why a butterfly
would flap its wings if not to fly.

———————————————-

There are times I am convinced the unexamined life is the only life worth living. The closer this project got to completion, the more my life was taken over by things I couldn’t (and still can’t) get any control over. I know everyone has a story, a what-might-have-been or some other torture device locked up in memories and experience. All the same, letting the djinn out its bottle has turned into a decision with severe repercussions. If I had it to do again from the beginning, I would not write a single word of any of these seven poems. Being done is mostly bitter with a pinch of sweet on top now that it is over (again.) I’d like to say I learned something about myself, but all I’m sure of is there’ll always be more questions than answers in everything that happens. Whether it happens for a reason or not doesn’t matter. The meaning is what you make, which only brings us back to the beginning, hoping that there is some trust left somewhere to rely on. The best thing to come out of this whole experience is the hope that Sun Pie is wrong. Dead wrong.

Thanks to all who read & commented on these poems, they are easily the most personal I have ever written. Next project? Either breaking all my fingers with a hammer (so I can’t write anymore, not as a punishment) or another set of poems developed around a new theme. Number 2 is more likely in this case.

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2 Responses to “the butterfly bitch part 7…”

  1. belladonna23 Says:

    interesting…..why would a butterfly flap its wings if not to fly?…..
    honestly, i have asked myself something like this before…and then again, who hasn’t.
    i loved this series! i hope you write a new one, and not break your fingers. đŸ˜¦ if you do that, your just gonna have a build up of thoughts and words in your head anyway! they wont go away unless you write, so why go through the agony!?

    • You raise a really good point. It’s just that writing TBB was like looking back on my life and seeing every last bad decision I’d made or had been a part of. Honesty sucks. I didn’t break any fingers, I do wanna write another series, just about something a little happier that doesn’t reveal me to be the total asshole I seem to be. I am very happy with the reception to the work, I can’t believe the way it came out with all the emotion intact. One way or another, I have to write, none of this is a choice, as you pointed out. There will always be more, look at the months on the blog with the most entries; that’s usually how you can tell when I’m in manic writing mode. Thanks again, working on new shit to post soon (and so should you! Love your poetry!)Happy reading/writing,

      crb.

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